15 Things
by writer.philosopher
Summary: Comedy about WalMart and three of the Cullens. Inspired by the “15 Things to do When You’re in Walmart” list on Renesme CARLY Cullen’s profile.
1. Alarm Clocks

**15 THINGS**

_A/N: Inspired by the "15 Things to do When You're in Walmart" list I found on _**Renesme CARLY Cullen**_'s profile._

_Okay, so everyone is a little OOC here. Except maybe Emmett…_

**CHAPTER ONE: ALARM CLOCKS**

_This is gonna be good._ I bounded from the car, landing hard on my feet in the parking lot. I think the ground shook a little. Alice settled lightly beside me with a chiding _tsk_. She was always telling me to be lighter on my feet. I know I _could_ be, but I'm a dude and don't have to.

"Hurry, before Edward hears us," Alice urged. I just laughed. My brother couldn't do anything about this idea of ours. It was fantastic and I couldn't wait to get started.

"Do you have the list?" I asked eagerly.

Alice nodded and pulled a neatly folded piece of paper from her pocket and unfolded it in one swift motion. I leaned in to read the first item:_ Set all the __alarm clocks__ in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals._

"Time to go," I said, a grin spreading across my face.

Alice smirked, shut the car door, and locked her bright yellow Porsche. We began walking together into WalMart, her graceful footsteps keeping perfect pace with my thunderous ones.

I wondered what Rosalie would think, but only for an instant. This was a brother-sister outing; Edward, Jasper and Rosalie would have nothing to do with it.

_I love the internet,_ I thought as I walked through the automatic doors and looked around. I had been searching random words on Google when I came across this list of things to do when in WalMart. I knew it was a joke some kid posted on a blog or something, but I wanted to give it a try.

Alice and I headed straight for the housewares section, grinning like to stupid fools… whiiiiich we probably were. A group of girls tittered irritatingly and pointed my biceps out to one another before glaring at Alice jealously as we walked by. I rolled my eyes and ignored them. At long last, we reached Housewares.

I tried not to look too excited as I reached for the first clock in the aisle. We had to work quickly; there were a ton of alarm clocks in this aisle and the next, and we didn't want to attract any clerks. I tried not to think too much because Edward was only too familiar with my mind. Alice grabbed the second and began setting the alarm. I looked over her shoulder and set mine for five minutes later.

She had given us twenty minutes getaway time from the first clock she set, so we each kept an eye on the clocks. It took ten minutes with our combined efforts to set all one hundred alarm clocks (I could set four per minute; Alice could set six). With ten minutes before the first alarm would sound, Alice and I booked it until we were in the soup aisle.

Alice pulled out the list as soon as we stopped running and read the second item: _Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms._


	2. Tomato Juice

**15 THINGS**

_A/N: Inspired by the "15 Things to do When You're in Walmart" list I found on _**Renesme CARLY Cullen**_'s profile._

_Okay, so everyone is a little OOC here. Except maybe Emmett…_

**CHAPTER TWO: TOMATO JUICE**

I pulled out the list as soon as we stopped running and read the second item: _Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms._

Emmett laughed openly, the sultry rumble attracting a female clerk's attention. She smiled and made a beeline for us. I ducked out of sight, telling Emmett to keep her busy while I completed our second task.

He obliged, waving energetically to the woman. As he launched into a conversation with her about his favorite soup, I scooped a can of tomato soup from the shelf. The list may say tomato juice, but I'm pretty sure tomato soup is the same thing, or at least close enough.

I opened the can with seven minutes remaining until the alarm clocks went off. There was a good chance that someone would notice the tomato soup first.

As I sought a good place to start my trail, I hoped that no one had changed any of the alarm clocks. Then the list wouldn't be completed exactly right.

Putting that thought from my mind, I settled on a location and poured the first drop of soup. From the feminine products aisle, I made a long trail of tomato soup to the bathroom. I tried to make it seem casual, holding the can at my side, pretending not to notice the red liquid pouring from it. When I reached the bathroom, the can wasn't empty.

For lack of a better idea of what to do with the rest, I dumped half of the remains into the second toilet, the one most commonly chosen by the general public, and with the other half I made a trail from the door to that stall.

Holding in the urge to laugh, I returned to the aisle I had left my brother in. he was still trapped in conversation by the clerk. She wasn't that attractive; she couldn't have believed Emmett was doing anything more than humoring her.

I danced up to him and put my arm through his. "Emmett, darling, I'm ready to go back to our apartment," I said innocently, batting my eyelashes and glancing disdainfully at the clerk.

Emmett looked down at me in surprise. "Erm, of course dear, let's go." He waved good-bye to the clerk as I steered him away from her. I looked back, and she was just standing there, slightly more than a little dumbfounded.

When we were far enough away from her, I took the list out of my pocket again.

"Oh, here's the one that'll take the longest," I said, looking up at a clock. We had three more minutes until the first alarm clock would sound.

"Which one?" Emmett asked.

"Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'code 3' in housewares' and see what happens," I told him. His eyes lit up.

"I call this one," he said.


	3. Code Three

**15 THINGS**

_A/N: Inspired by the "15 Things to do When You're in Walmart" list I found on _**Renesme CARLY Cullen**_'s profile._

_Okay, so everyone is a little OOC here. Except maybe Emmett…_

**CHAPTER TWO: CODE THREE**

"Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'code 3' in housewares' and see what happens," she told me.

"I call this one," I said.

"Okay," she agreed, but I could tell she wanted to do this one.

"Wait," I said, and she got this hopeful look in her eyes, like she thought I was gonna let her do it. Yeah. Right. "Why is this one going to take the longest? It doesn't seem too hard."

"Well," she said, sighing, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "There is no code three."

"Oh. Then how do we do this?"

An evil smile spreads across her face. I kind of like it. "We find the best employee," she said. "The newest, stupidest, or laziest."

"Brilliant," I said grinning.

"Exactly. Because how many of these guys do you think actually read the employee manual? None, that's how many. I'll find the guy. You can tell him."

I shrugged. Whatever. Let her do the hard part. Let me do the fun part.

We stood, looking at the people, trying to find our victim.

"Him!" Alice shouted suddenly, pointing to a chubby, pale, tired looking man, probably in his early twenties. I grinned. He was perfect.

"Be right back," I told her. She nodded, but she was frowning. I decided that she must have wanted to do the whole list herself.

I walked up to the guy, my head high and my back straight, like I wa shis boss. He started shelving cereal faster. He probably thought I was his boss.

"Code three in housewares," I told him.

"What?! Oh, I knew I should have read the manual! I don't know what a code three is! Is it bad?"

But I was walking away. The poor loser was flipping out, frantically looking around for help, when the first alarm clock went off.


End file.
